Wednesday, December 12, 2007

Filled Up

My heart rattles lately. I wonder if my emotions are just taking a vacation. It's not that they aren't there; on the contrary, they are behind everything. Even, at no notice at all, can send me into a spell. They are in strange places, and I have never been to these places before so consistently. It's a spectrum, too, and it is that there are words now, moments sometimes that are charged with an energy that was not there before. I don't know why this is. My ability to analyze this has apparently fallen away in proportion to these greater, thicker events of late.

These rattles can come at any time, is what I've noticed. I'm working and I hear Carousel by Iron & Wine and I have to stop what I'm doing. I'm so overcome I think I have to walk around, then I have to stand still.

I am in my car and I spasm loudly to Radiohead's Bodysnatchers and I am literally teary eyed thinking about my mother in her shit job listening to a fictional tape.

My life is made clear by Hannah and Her Sisters.

I walk around, thinking about the stories I want to tell, all of them at once, the expanse and the love, the song and the dance, and I shake so hard I have to steady myself.

I'll be in public, or private, it doesn't matter, and I will be flagged with disdain or elated laughing wildly at a joke ten months old within a minute of one another.

This is strange for me. I'm not explaining it exactly right. I think maybe this movie making business is an extremely emotional thing. I'm opening myself up to the lives of all of these people. I'm inhabiting all of my characters at once, and so my emotions oscillate wildly. It's invigorating and frightening. It is like a constant near panic attack in everything that I do or say that I mean. I don't know exactly how to deal with it.

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