I have about sixty dollars in my bank account and I searched for the causes of the blisters on my tongue and all I came up with was "You are stressed" and "You are lacking in B12 vitamin." Unfortunately, I am not particularly stressed and B12 is my favorite vitamin (not shitting), so the internet has once again failed to pinpoint exactly what is wrong with me. Back to my bank account, though: at the beginning of this week my household discovered that it is Rush Week all along Gayley avenue, up and down the various Frat Houses, guys in same-colored shirts sitting around BBQs and pool tables, chatting, occasionally breaking out into chant. Maybe we knew it was Rush Week. What we discovered is that each house has huge amounts of free food every single night. My wallet and stomach rejoice.
On Tuesday we went to three houses. This sounds like some kind of hipster irony thing, in which the left wing intellectual stands at arm distance from some situation he knows nothing about, gleans information off of genuinely nice people, then twists it around to his own devices and blogs about it. This is not how it went down. I...promise. This was merely an effort to achieve free food, and we were thoroughly interested in what it is that makes these guys want to be in a frat. If finding that out, and finding burritos, requires telling them that all three of us are transfers to UCLA and then excitedly asking questions about the house lore, the house, the house history, and bitches, then so be it.
The first house was the nicest of the three. It used to be a hotel, in 1906, and was converted to a fraternity in 1928. Our tour guide is shy, and the first sign of a hive mentality. He shows us the downstairs study room.
1. Not a shithole.
2. House Chef.
3. Seemingly academic.
4. Foos ball.
1. We did not win the xbox 360 raffle.
2. We are late
2a. Cold burritos. I am required to lug a greasy tin foil wrap the rest of the night in order to salvage tomorrows lunch.
3. Does not have full sized basketball court.
4. No fax machine. Shawn is very disappointed. Shame, shame. What do you do when you need to send a fax? Response: tour guide sheepishly declares that he can get one in here in the next few months.
"You're from Orange County? Dude! Saddleback has some hot girls.[begins a list with his fingers] I mean, they're rich, and they're hot...." [trails off].
Most homoerotic moment:
Sausage fest becomes literally sausage fest. We eat thick, eight inch long links while NIN's 'Fuck you like an animal' plays.
The second house is a different scene. Our tour guide has no god damn clue about anything. The back yard used to be a pool, then there was an earthquake, now it's a basketball court. The tone is set when our guide asks us what we like to do for fun, and Shawn looks him right in the eye and says "Oh you know....fuck bitches. Drink beer."
"Really?! We do that here!!"
1. They fuck bitches.
2. They drink beer.
3. We get to put a pick axe into the hood of a car upon entrance.
3a. This is a huge pro.
3b. Sledgehammer also available.
1. It is a shithole.
2. The guy from Torrence does not know Eddie Adams from Torrence.
"You went to Torrence High School?"
"Do you know Eddie Adams from Torrence?"
"No I don't think so...what year did he graduate?"
"Oh two I think....he's strong, has wavy brown hair."
"Nope. There's so many people there you know?"
3. No full sized basketball court.
4. The place is seriously a shithole.
"Dude, your room smells like a hornet's nest."
Most homoerotic moment:
Communal Playboys line the bathroom stalls. Playboy day marked on the calendar.
The third house is pretty generic. By this time, we are very, very tired of Frat Life. Their pick axe car has already been towed away. The guy from San Clemente has some spiritual connection with Ryan, also from San Clemente, and I exploit it highly. The guy who works at KROQ looks, sounds, acts exactly like a guy who works at KROQ. My coachella sweatshirt is an invitation for anyone and everyone to talk to me, and it is a mistake.
1. Only frat with a full sized basketball court.
2. Has a room for hookin' up with bitches.
3. Bitches: guaranteed to be all over the place.
4. It has a full sized basketball court.
5. I'm told it has a basketball court.
1. Actually refer to themselves as 'Bros.' Thought this was only used by others.
2. None of the bros are any good at jousting. I take out like 5 guys in the bounce house before losing. It is winding beating the shit out of bros.
3. Shawn is eating salad, doesn't have a fork. Tour guide literally takes old fork out of plate of salsa, hoses it off, sticks it in Shawn's salad.
4. Everyone has braces.
(trailing off sentimentally)
"We do these raids where we rent out clubs, bring a sorority over here, drink, then go to a club. I...five girls....it was one of the best nights of my life."
Most homoerotic moment:
Probably the whole american gladiator thing, which I was right in the middle of.