In doing some research to prepare for my thesis, I came accross a problem that has been under my nose the whole time, but never really occured to me. Formaly known as the homoculous fallacy, it states that if only precieve reality through our senses, then who is watching those perseptions. Indeed, the very idea of conscience is against representative reality. if you read my essay I posted a while back, then semiotics and logic within the brain is at least somewhat explained, and that whole idea is where I am coming from. I wanted to avoid the whole "what it means to be human" debate, but it looks like I'll be forced into it. Which actually pisses me off. The more and more I dig into this nebulous idea of "post-binary", the more it looks like other shit I've seen and them more it deals with stuff I really don't want to deal with it. Fuzzy logic and a neural-net brain helps alot, because then I can just say conscience is created through the same process that we view the universe (creating a very dynamic model of a person, which I dig), but I'm affraid it's still incomplete. I mean, I don't want to be a philosopher, so it's not that huge of a deal to solve this problem, but for some reason I still feel it's important, although wanting to understand the universe is a common angst I suppose. I guess I want to illistrate it, use it in my work ect., and I feel I need to wrap my head arround it a little more.
It's wierd, about three years ago I deemd art useless, broke it apart until there was nothing left but a blank page, and have been slowly re-defining it as I go along. I've gone from comis to juxtaposed scultures to traditional sculpture to perfmance art to action oriented art to minimalist found-object to minimalist multiples to instalation art, jumping back and forth as it goes. The art world is so huge and the audience demands catagorization and explanation, and maybe it's not my job to do it for them but I'd rather figure it out than have me be told what my art is. In the end it's an uphill battle and I'm slowly giving ground, coming to grips that once my work leaves my hands, what the work becomes isn't always up to me. I'm always influenced by those arround me, useually by doing what they tell me I can't (I'm just spiteful i suppose). Some people like it, others don't, and in the end those that don't pull me one way and those that do pull me another. everyone is pulling, everyone wants to influence me, to be my mentor or whatever, and very few people leave me alone. In fact the only people that leave me alone are the ones that say that they "don't understand it, but it's nice, and definatly you".
I've had my moments of fame, my public works in newspapers, letters on my doorstep, people smiling, people yelling at me, huge debates that I leave happy because they yelled at me as an artist, not a student. I know I need to start working within my means, thiking of projects that I can do myself, leave all the ones that requre an electrion, a programmer, or 100,000 dollars in the back of my head and work on the ones that requre cardboard and paint. I would like to make my own room, and I might move to another place when school starts and lisa leaves that I can host art gatherings of all types. And i have my little projects, and I'm proud of all of them, and I have my hand in larger projects, and I'm proud of that too. But sometimes I think I'm not cut out for this. I have my ideas, and I love what I do, but it's difficult and painful at times, and it's so easy to get lost. I'm not saying I'm lost right now, the opposit in fact, but their are alot of roads ahead, and deciding which ones to take and how to tread them is cippling at times. Think small, I know, and I try, and most of them time its no big deal, but sometimes....
food for thought.